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寻票记

The Ticket

The minute I heard the numbers on the news station, I knew. I knew my wife would kill me because I had misplaced our lottery ticket several days ago. I heard the announcer read my lucky numbers. The jackpot was a record $240 million.

Then I relaxed for a few seconds, I thought maybe I had more time to find the ticket. My wife always listened for the numbers on the televisions in the bar where she worked, but she told me that morning her boss would be shutting them down to install new ones. So I figured I had at least six to eight hours in my search.

A minute later I received a call, my wife screamed, Hello Mr. Millionaire? Trembling, I asked how she knew about the numbers. Apparently my big-mouthed sister-in-law, who is so lazy, she has nothing to do but stay at home and watch TV heard the numbers, and called her. (She remembered the numbers I used because all of them were the scores of her previous IQ tests.)

She said, My sister’s picking me up. We’ll be over in an hour?

After she hung up, I tore apart my apartment. In a few minutes it looked like a half dozen tornadoes had spent the night in our living room. I heard the sweat from my face hit the wooden floors.

Where did I place that ticket? I tried to retrace my steps over the past several days. Ok, I thought after work I would go home, grab a beer, sit on the couch, and turn on the TV set. Actually this was my pattern for the past ten years.

I had to relax; I opened a can of beer and laid with my legs outstretched on the sofa. Maybe the lottery officials would just give us the money; after all I’ve used the same numbers for the past six months. I mean I could show them my previous lottery stubs. Surely they would much rather give the money to us rather than donating it to some worthless cause like the state educational fund. What good would that do? Look how much it educated me.

I picked up my cell-phone to call the lottery claims office. Listen I won the 240 million dollar jackpot, but there seems to be a slight problem. I lost the ticket. Would you accept my word that I bought the ticket?? I heard the employee scream with laughter.

Miss, this isn’t a joke. I’m willing to submit to a lie detector test if that would help. Seconds later I heard her mumbling off the phone, and then I heard everyone in the office howling with laughter. Her supervisor then picked up the phone, still dying with laughter, she said, Sir for 240 million anyone in this room could make themselves pass a polygraph. She hung up.

My wife would be home soon. I could feel my face go pale. There was a nervous convulsive twitch in my upper cheek. I decided to try something desperate. I picked up my phone again and called the psychic network to speak with one of their counselors. Maybe they could figure out where I placed the ticket. Hello? The operator answered. I yelled, give me your best psychic! I don’t care what the cost is! I gave her my credit card number. Listen I misplaced the 240 million dollar lottery ticket. You have to tell me where it is before my wife comes home, I asked. Sir if you misplaced a 240 million dollar lottery ticket, then you also misplaced your brain along with it? Listen Miss, I can’t believe I’m paying five dollars a minute to speak to you!

Calm down Sir, I’m a little slow, since I lost my tarot cards. I’m using my uncle’s pinochle deck instead. Running out of time! You have to do something! I’ll use all my psychic and normal powers to help you. I think I can solve the problem, but I have to charge you more than the basic rate. Thank God. How much do you want? Well, about 240 million dollars? I felt the blood rush to my face in anger. I came very close to swearing when I heard the door open. My wife entered the room, with my sister-in-law, she yelled, Where’s my millionaire? The psychic hearing my wife said, I’m predicting you’ll be dead within the next hour. Wow this job is really fun. I have to tell my boss I finally got one right!

I hung up the phone, my clothes drenched in sweat.

Oh listen about that ticket. What is it Mr. Millionaire? I knew she was going to kill me. So I headed towards the window to jump out the twelve-story building. Right after I lifted the window she pulled out the ticket from her purse.

By the way do you think I should make a copy of this? How did that get in your purse? My sister-in-law answered, that was me. I found it on your desk when I visited a few days ago. I thought it would be safer with her so I put it in her purse.

I walked over to her, grabbed her by the collar and began dragging her towards the window before my wife stopped me.

  寻票记

  当我听到新闻中心宣布中奖彩票号码时,我就知道,就知道我的妻子会恨不得把我杀掉,因为几天前我不知把彩票放在哪里了。而广播员的确是在念我的号码,累积奖金达到了两亿四千万的号码。

  我静下心来想了一下,也许还是可以争取多点时间来找那张彩票的。妻子常常是在她上班的酒吧收听电视新闻获知号码的。但她那天早上告诉我,因为要安装新的电视,老板暂时把酒吧里的电视关了。我算了一下,应该至少有六到八个小时的时间来找那张票。

  正在这时,电话响了,妻子在电话那边叫道,你好吗,百万富翁?我战战兢兢问她如何知道号码的。 很明显,是她那个整天无所事事,只呆在家看电视的大嘴巴懒姐姐告诉她的。(懒姐姐能记住这些号码,是因为那些数字全是她以前智力测试的分数。)

  她说,姐姐很快就来接我了,我们大概一个小时后到家。

  她一挂机,我马上翻箱倒柜开始找那张彩票。很快,客厅像是连夜遭到六场龙卷风的洗劫,凌乱不堪。但我还是一无所获。汗珠从我的脸上滑落下来,滴在了木地板上。

  我把那张彩票放哪了呢?我试着重复前几天的动作。是这样子,我想起来了,下班到家后,先拿罐啤酒,坐在沙发上,然后打开电视。事实上,这是过去十年里我的惯常动作。

我的确需要放松一下了,我打开一听啤酒,摊开双腿躺在床上。也许彩票中心的官员会把那笔钱给我们的,毕竟在过去的六个月中我都是用同一个号码。我可以把以前所有的彩票存根给他们看。,他们肯定更情愿把那笔钱给我而不是捐赠到一些毫无价值的地方,例如州教育基金。那样有什么好处呢,看看我受到多少教育就知道了。

  我拨通了彩票兑奖中心的电话,说,是这样的,我中了两亿四千万的大奖,但现在似乎有点小麻烦,我找不到那张彩票了。你们能相信我的确是买了那张彩票吗?电话那头传来尖叫和嘲笑。

  “嗨,小姐,我不是在开玩笑。如果可以的话,我愿意接收测慌机的测试。”几秒钟后,我听到她拿开了话筒,在一旁嘀嘀咕咕的,接着办公室里的每个人都在狂笑。接着她的上司拿起话筒,笑意未尽地说:“ 先生,如果真有两亿四千万,这里的每个人都有办法骗过测慌机! 说完就挂机了。

  妻子很快就到家了。我已经可以感觉到自己脸色发白,脸部肌肉开始抽搐了。我决定孤掷一注。我打电话到心理咨询中心。也许他们可以查出我把放在那里了。接线员答道:你好。我大声嚷道,我要你们最好的心理顾问,多贵都不要紧!我会告诉她信用卡密码。听着,我不知把那张中了两亿四千万的彩票放哪了,你要在我妻子回到家前告诉我它在哪里。先生,如果你不知把两亿四千万的彩票放哪,那么你同样不知道把自己的脑袋放哪了。小姐,你们一分钟五美元提供的服务就是这样子的吗?

  先生,冷静点,请听我说,我的塔罗牌不见了,我现在用的是我叔叔的牌。没时间了,你一定要帮我了!我会尽全力来帮你。我想是可以解决这问题的,但价钱方面可能就要比平时的高了?那就谢天谢地了,你想要多少呢?嗯,大概两亿四千万吧。霎时我怒火冲天,正要破口大骂时,我听到了开门的声音。妻子和她的姐姐进来了。嗨,百万富翁!咨询中心的小姐听到了妻子的声音,说,预计你会将在一小时内死去。哇,这工作实在太有趣了。我要告诉老板,我终于实现第一个预言了!

  我挂了电话,发现汗水已经湿透了衣服。

  嘿,听了公布结果吗?号码是什么?我知道就要遭她的毒手了。所以,我走向窗边,准备从十二层高楼跳下。当我打开窗户时,她突然从包里掏出了那张彩票。

  你说,我要把这彩票复印一张吗?彩票怎么会在你的包里呢?我问,她姐姐说,多亏了我。几天前我到你这来时,看到它在桌面上,我想放在妹妹的包里会比较保险些。

  听了这些,我走到她面前,揪住她的衣领,在妻子反应过来阻拦我之前把她拖到了窗口前。

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