He was walking
He always walked like this. He never knew where he was walking, only why. He was walking because of the feeling. Rather, he was walking because of the lack of a feeling, because of the emptiness. The fact that deep down inside, there was nothing there. He wanted to find a way to fill that nothing, that emptiness. Once there was a girl. She had filled that void. When he was with her, everything was all right, and he didn’t feel so empty, so all alone. But she was gone now. She had moved, moved off to a better life, and left him alone, once again, with the emptiness inside him. So he walked. As he walked, he remembered the girl, and how she had made him feel. He remembered her smile, and it made him feel sad. He wondered what would have happened if he had told her how he had felt. He wondered if she would have stayed, just for him. He knew she still would have left him, he knew it. But he couldn’t help but wonder. So he kept walking, so that he could beat the emptiness today, so that he could fight it off for another hour.
He always walked from his house, through the path behind his backyard, and into the woods, until he reached the main road. There were many different paths that led to the main road, and he was never sure which one he would take, he never knew how he would end up at the main road, he just knew he would get there. At the main road, there was a gate. By the time he got to the gate, he was usually feeling a bit better, and he could walk home without the feeling. That was what he loved those walks back, without the emptiness. He loved that hour or two before it returned. These walks were his release, if just for a little while. He was sure that without these walks, he would have gone mad long ago. So he walked.
He walked passed the creek, where there were several small children gathered, catching frogs. He remembered the times when he was young, and he would go and catch frogs with his father. He didn’t have the emptiness back then, those were happy times. He remembered how his father used to wade into the water with a net trying to catch frogs for him. He thought of his father now. Distant, there was no real relationship between father and son now, just a rift, emptiness, a nothing. He wondered what had happened to him and his father. How had they grown so far apart? What had happened to them? Could he have done something long ago that would have prevented this rift from forming? As he contemplated this, he walked along the side of the creek, up to the baseball diamonds before the forest.
As he passed the baseball diamonds, he came to another bridge, overlooking a beautiful stream. He had always thought that this was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Every time he passed by it, he thought of a girl. Not the girl that had moved away, that had left him. But of a girl he barely knew. She had been in one of his classes in school she had sat a row over from him. He thought she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life. He used to spend the entire class just sneaking glances at her, admiring her beautiful face, and picturing himself with her. He wondered what it would be like to hold her. He used to dream about her at night. He was always wondering whom did she dream about. He knew it wasn’t him, and that it never would be. This made him sad, and just contributed to the emptiness inside him. As he stared into the stream, he thought about her. He wondered what would have happened if he had tried to talk to her, just once. He wondered if anything would have come of it. He always thought of the past in ways like this. If he had just talked to her, could he have been with her right now? He wondered if she could have stopped the emptiness, if she could have made him feel complete, just like the other girl, the one who had moved away, who had left him. Today the stream did nothing to him. It did not move him. He did not find it beautiful today. Today it seemed dull. The emptiness had gotten to it before he had. Now the stream was nothing, it wasn’t beautiful anymore. He turned, and kept walking, into the forest, towards the main road.
He entered the forest, and stopped to look around. He felt the fresh air enter his nostrils. It was like the air had not been outside the forest. It had not been spoiled by the people on the outside. He knew this was not true, but he liked to pretend, it made his walks seem more special, it made it easier to beat the emptiness. He continued walking into the forest, leaving the world behind him. He came across the tree. He remembered one time, years ago, when he had gotten in trouble from his parents for having poor grades in school. He had come to the tree, and climbed high into its branches. He had contemplated jumping down to the ground. He had wanted to die. He could still remember that moment clearly, perched high in the tree, surrounded by that fresh air, looking down at the ground below. He had felt the emptiness then. Was that where it had started? He couldn’t remember anymore. It seemed so stupid to him now, getting upset over school grades. They didn’t really matter! The only thing that mattered to him now was the emptiness, and trying to find a way to fill it. Again, his mind went back to that day in the tree, and he thought what if he had jumped that day? Fallen from the tree? He thought to himself would anyone have missed him? Probably not, he concluded. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own lives. They would have moved on, and left the memory of him behind them. Just like the girl had left him behind. He kept walking past the tree, he could hear the traffic now, and that meant he was close to the main road. Close to salvation, close to beating the emptiness for another hour. So he walked on, longing for the gate on the main road to ease his pain.
He walked on, and as he got closer, the sound of the cars grew louder and louder, and the air got less and less fresh tasting, and took on an almost putrid aroma. He came out of the forest and saw the main road. He walked to the gate, but he felt worse. The emptiness was not gone today. It was still with him. He remembered the first walk he had ever taken with the emptiness, and how good it had felt for him on the walk back home. That day, he thought he had beaten the emptiness forever, only to have it return that night. As he thought about this, he realized that was his problem. He remembered too much. He wanted to forget it all. His father, the beautiful girl, the day in that tree. He didn’t want to remember any of it, all of these things, and so many other painful memories had contributed to the emptiness that he still had. Standing by the main road, he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t walk back home feeling like this. His escape had been ruined. As he thought, he saw that across the main road, there was a large field, full of dandelions, swaying in the breeze. He looked back in the direction of home, then across at the field. He thought of the girl that had left him behind and he made a decision. He turned away from home, stepped over the gate, and headed towards the field. He would keep walking, he decided. He would walk until the emptiness was gone, and then he would walk some more. He thought of all the memories he would leave them behind. He would leave them all behind, just like the girl had done to him. She had left him alone, to face this by himself. He knew he would never find the girl. He didn’t want to. He just wanted to keep walking until the emptiness was gone. As he entered the field, a strange feeling passed over him, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time. He cracked a sad smile to himself and kept walking.
他在散步
他总是这样散步，不知道身居何所，只知道要跟着感觉走。不，其实他没有任何感觉，除了空虚。他的心灵深处空空荡荡，而他正要填补这片空白。曾几何时，有个女孩充实了他的心。只要有她在身边，一切都是那么美好，他的空虚和寂寞也随之淡然。然而, 为了追求更好的生活，女孩搬走了，留下孤零零的他。空虚的感觉再次袭来。所以他要散步，一边走，一边回忆那个女孩和她给他的感觉。每当想起她的笑容，他还是会难过。他时常在想，如果当时向她诉说心里的感受，她会否为他留下。其实他十分清楚，她仍旧会离开的。但他就是忍不住去想。所以他不停地走，以打发空虚的一天，寂寥的一小时。
他总是从家里出发，穿过后院的小径走进树林，树林的尽头是一条公路。其实通往公路的小径有许多，但他却从不考虑要走哪条，也不清楚路好不好走，只知道条条道路通罗马。公路边有一扇大门。每次来到这里，他就会感觉好些，而且在回家的路上也不会寂寞了。这就是他喜欢归途的原因，没有空虚。至少，空虚感再次降临前的那一两个小时，他是非常惬意的。散步是一种解脱，尽管这只是暂时性的。但他知道如果不去散步，自己可能早就疯了。因此，他坚持散步。
经过一条小溪，他看见一群孩子在溪水中捉青蛙。他想起了儿时也曾和父亲一起捕青蛙。那时的他既充实又快乐。父亲拿着鱼网淌着水花为他捕蛙的情景依然历历在目。此刻他想起了父亲，可如今父子两人相隔千里，没有亲情，只有裂痕。他和父亲之间究竟发生了什么？为什么彼此变得如此陌生？到底发生了什么？他当时怎么不能阻止裂痕的产生吗？他一边沉思着，一边沿着河边朝树林前面的棒球场走去。
穿过棒球场，他上了另一座小桥，俯瞰桥下那美丽的小河。他一直都认为这是他所见过的最美的东西之一。每次经过这里，他都会想起一个女孩。不是那个已搬走离开的女孩，而是一个陌生的女孩。某一学科的课，他和她是一起上的，而且两人的座位仅相隔一排。他觉得她是自己一生中所见过的最漂亮的人。他曾经花了整节课的时间去偷偷地看她，欣赏她那俊俏的脸庞，幻想着和她在一起。他想，如果能和她在一起会是什么情形呢？夜里，他时常梦见她，而她又会梦见谁呢？他知道那个人肯定不是自己，而且永远不会是自己。这着实伤了他的心，更增添了心里的空虚。他凝视着流水，心里却想着她。如果向她表白，姑且就试一次，她会有什么反应？会有结果吗？他习惯像这样回想过去。如果一早向她表白，他们现在会是一对恋人吗？她能否像那个已离他远去的女孩那样，填补他心中的空白，让他觉得充实？今天，小河没有为他排解心中的苦闷，没有让他感动。在他看来，河水失去了平日的美丽，死气沉沉。空虚的感觉似乎要比他早来到这儿，污染了河水。没有了让他留恋的河水，他转身进了树林，朝公路走去。
进了林子，他驻足环顾四周。这里的空气如此清新，就好像从未曾渗到林外被人们弄脏一样。他知道这不可能，不过他喜欢这么想，好让散步更特别，更容易击退空虚感。走向林子的深处，他渐渐远离了尘世的喧嚣。来到一棵大树下，他想起了多年前的一天，因为考试成绩不好惹父母生气，他跑到这里，爬上了这棵大树。他想纵身往下跳，结束自己的生命。他仍然清楚地记得那一刻，坐在高高的树枝上，沐浴着新鲜的空气，鸟瞰着地面。当时，他就有种空虚的感觉。空虚的感觉就是从那时开始的吗？他想不起来了。现在回想起来，为学习成绩而烦恼实在太可笑了，那根本就不重要。此刻，摆脱空虚才是惟一天大的事情。他的思绪又飘回到了那天的树上，如果当时他真的跳了下来，或者摔了下来，情况会是怎么样呢？会有人怀念他吗？恐怕没有。人人都忙于自己的生活。生活要继续，他终会淡出大家的记忆，就像逐渐退出那个女孩的生命一样。走过那棵大树，他听见车来车往。他知道自己离公路不远了，离解脱不远了，离挣脱空虚不远了。他继续走，盼望着路边的那扇门来减轻他的痛苦。
离公路越近，车辆的噪音就越大，空气也越不新鲜，甚至还有点腐烂的味道。走出林子，他看见了公路。终于来到了大门，但他却更难受，空虚依然挥之不去。还记得第一次散步后，回家的途中是那么的舒畅。那天，他还以为自己会彻底赶走空虚，可是到了晚上这种讨厌的感觉又回来了。想到这里，他恍然大悟，问题出在自己身上。他有太多太多的回忆，但又想全都忘记，父亲，女孩，还有大树。他想忘记这些，还有其它痛苦的回忆，因为正是这些回忆让他百无聊赖。站在路旁，他手足无措。他不能带着这种感觉回家，他想逃避，却失败了。想到这里，他放眼望去，只见公路的对面有一大片蒲公英迎风起舞。他回头看了看，又望了望蒲公英。想到那个舍他而去的女孩，他忽然做了个决定。他没有回家，而是穿过了那扇门，向那片蒲公英走去。他决定继续走，直到空虚感消失后，还要走上一会儿。他又想起了所有那些难忘的回忆，他要将它们全都遗忘，就像那个女孩对他一样。她留下他独自一个人面对这一切。他知道再也找不到她，其实，他也并不想去找她。他只想继续走到空虚感消失为止。奇怪的是，走进那片蒲公英，久违的感觉又突如其来。他苦笑了一下，继续走。
